The restau-Rants

Wait staff: Stop reaching across me to get stuff. If I'm through with my soup, I'll leave the bowl at the edge of the table. That's the reason I place it as far from your ever-so-efficient hands as humanly possible--I like to finish my soup later, to top off my meal. And no, it isn't okay to come take away the extra napkins I asked for before I've had a chance to use them, either. Your need to look busy does not trump the fact that I'm paying for this. And while I'm on the subject: Being available does not necessarily equal being intrusive. If I need something, I'll get your attention. Being interrupted every three and a half minutes by an overperky "Is everything all right?" during lunch is just annoying.

Fellow customers: Turn off the danged cell phones. You are not so important to the everyday running of society that your call can't wait 15 minutes. If it is, then have your meal delivered to your desk at the Daily Planet. At the very least, take the call outside, because I don't want to hear it. Oh, and since I know you care so very much, I thought I'd take this opportunity to thank you for allowing your kids to scream in my ear, run up and down the aisles, and wipe Jello on the table legs.

Bon appetit.

I guess people really read this

Let's peruse the Shannon's mailbox today, shall we?

It's blue! Official-looking! Marked "time-sensitive documents"! Yep, it's the "You, Too, Could be Creative Around the House If You'd Only Get Off the Internet Club" hitting me up for a subscription. Only had to partially rip one corner of the envelope to confirm my suspicions. I'm getting better at this.

Wow! Dimwit Valley Bank wants to send me my very own credit card--at 29% interest! They probably taped me wearing my "Just Fell Off the Turnip Truck" T-shirt at the spring hog-swillin'.

My catalog friends never forget me. They figure I'll always appreciate the opportunity to purchase a $400 cashmere workout hoodie, or a toilet paper holder that plays "Don't Fence Me In".

The local utilities company thanks me for choosing them. Never mind that they have an absolute monopoly. Like what was I gonna do, go out and cut peat?

A smiling tooth doing the cha-cha with a toothbrush reminds me it's time for a dental exam. Somehow it has escaped the notice of the dentist's office that a disembodied tooth just might not be the best mascot for oral health.

My daughter gets a magazine with the headline: "What Not to Tell Your Parents"--yeah, like 19 year-olds tend to tell their folks a lot anyway?

Open bag, insert recycling.