The restau-Rants

Wait staff: Stop reaching across me to get stuff. If I'm through with my soup, I'll leave the bowl at the edge of the table. That's the reason I place it as far from your ever-so-efficient hands as humanly possible--I like to finish my soup later, to top off my meal. And no, it isn't okay to come take away the extra napkins I asked for before I've had a chance to use them, either. Your need to look busy does not trump the fact that I'm paying for this. And while I'm on the subject: Being available does not necessarily equal being intrusive. If I need something, I'll get your attention. Being interrupted every three and a half minutes by an overperky "Is everything all right?" during lunch is just annoying.

Fellow customers: Turn off the danged cell phones. You are not so important to the everyday running of society that your call can't wait 15 minutes. If it is, then have your meal delivered to your desk at the Daily Planet. At the very least, take the call outside, because I don't want to hear it. Oh, and since I know you care so very much, I thought I'd take this opportunity to thank you for allowing your kids to scream in my ear, run up and down the aisles, and wipe Jello on the table legs.

Bon appetit.