Friendship Bread, Pt. 1

Irish came home from the church council meeting tonight bearing a Ziplock bag with an attached instruction sheet, a gift from the wife of one of the council members. The moment I saw it, my heart did a lead balloon.

I knew what this was: the dreaded starter mix for Friendship Bread.

My intense dislike for Friendship Bread goes way back and through various church families. I have crossed the street, feigned sleep, missed women's fellowship meetings, and refused to answer the phone in my quest to avoid it. I have spent too much valuable time in my life attempting to explain to well-meaning friends why I had to decline their kind offer to join in the Friendship Bread fun. For almost two decades, I have successfully dodged the stuff--until tonight.

Hate Friendship Bread? What's with that? Who in the world could possibly be so cold?

In theory, it's a good idea. You receive a bag of starter mix, knead it once a day for some days, then add ingredients. Depending on the mix, you a) then split it up so you can pass on to others the Unspeakable Gift, and bake the rest into a tasty loaf for the delight of your beloved family; or b) you return to the kneading process for a few more days and then finish a) above. Three or four lucky recipients get to start their own batches of Friendship Bread mix with what you saved back, and so forth and so on, world without end, amen. At least, that's what happens in Perfect Land.

Here's what actually comes down: The bag must be out where you can see and care for it properly for the 10-14 days of its gestation. You can't put it away. It sits on your countertop for days in its clear plastic wrapper, looking like a cross between turkey gravy and something the elementary school janitor had to clean up after Joey Kazinsky brought bad tuna fish for lunch.

You are required to tend babysit it daily. You must tally off the days of kneading/squeezing the bag (the feel alone makes me shiver) and make darn sure that on the appointed date--not a day sooner or later--you add the precise measures of flour, sugar, and milk. Meanwhile, your mix is fermenting, bubbling and gross beyond belief. But hey, remember the tasty loaf that will bring cheer to the family unit! Buck up and count and squeeze and mix and tally, and try real hard not to look at it during anything to do with a meal, unless liquified liver is your thing.

I can't tell you how many times I tried to succeed at this. The social groups we were involved with in those days were rife with Tupperware parties, Color Me Beautiful makeovers, and Friendship Bread gifting, so I was frequently handed a bag of mix after church by a happy homemaker. Each time I tried to make it work. However, being a person not exactly noted for my organizational skills and dedication to routine, I'd invariably forget which day I was on; or neglect to squeeze the bag; or lose the instructions; or drop something on it and rip the bag open. Several times I actually made it to the Add Ingredients step before losing track. Then I'd find a bloated bag behind a the cookbooks or wherever I'd stashed it in a hurry when I had to either cook something else, or just get it out of my sight so I wouldn't gag. Finally I forgot it for a month or two (maybe longer) and the top burst open. It was not pretty. It did not smell pretty, either.

That's when I decided that Friendship Bread was really a divisive machination, a plot to make women like me feel inferior to other women. It's an open invitation for a Sharon fail. Like the bad perm I got back in the 90's, I vowed to never again put myself through that.

(And another thing: How long has the same mix been going around? Are the microbes in each bag the same critters that once graced the crockery of pre-plastic bag Amish settlers? Do I really want to know?)

Over the years, I forgot about Friendship Bread. I'm much older now, and the world has changed a lot. New Millennium women aren't into that sort of thing anymore...or so I thought.

Last week, a smiling friend was at the church door armed with bags. Bags with attached printed sheets. Deja vu all over again! Immediately I sprang into action and headed her off at the pass, explaining my position. She looked momentarily confused, but then appeared to understand. I thought all was well, that I'd dodged the bullet. How was it that I forgot that, once that stuff appears in the midst, it's like chicken pox in a nursery?

Then tonight, Irish went to a meeting.

And now, liquid liver with an instruction sheet sits on my kitchen counter.